THE DECOMPOSING ROOM PRESS
Publisher Launches Five New Detective Series
By Mo Walsh, Corpserespondent
Minimally competent hacks are wanted to write for our new niche detective titles on a work-for-hire basis. We provide clever character names, contradictory plot points and impossible deadlines. You do the rest.
1. The Amateur Detective
Harmon Beasley is a Garbage Man and proud of it. The castoffs and leftovers he collects are windows to the lives of the people on his route. Each story will focus on a provocative piece of rubbish that sends Harmon on a search for answers, aided by his lover, Constance Cabot-Whyte, PhD, an entomologist, and her teen-age triplets: Roach, Aphid and Mary. In the debut novel, The Aquamarine Ashbin at #1A, Harmon discovers thirteen discarded left shoes. The series continues with The Beige Barrel at #2B and The Crimson Carton at #3C.
2. The Specialist/Multi-Cultural Detective
Rostam “The Rug Man” Rudagi is the world’s foremost expert on carpet fibers. As a young boy, he escaped from his native Iran by hiding inside a shipment of cheap, mass-produced carpets being smuggled out to Arab bazaars for sale to gullible American tourists. Obsessed with carpets ever since, Rostam has earned several obscure advanced degrees in textile engineering and works six stories underground in a secret FBI laboratory. There he analyzes carpet fibers associated with crimes and can determine not only the fiber content and color, but also manufacturer and dye lot; degree and content of soiling; cleaning products used and whether they were purchased on sale; how many days since last vacuuming and type of machine used; area rug or wall-to-wall; species, breed and diet of pet that made stains; and weight of the person who last walked on it. In his first case, Persian Carpets Actually Come from Turkey, he helps foil the perfect murder by matching the victim’s bathroom mat to fibers coughed up in hair balls by the suspect’s cat.
3. The Historical/Literary Figure Detective
Beloved children’s author, Beatrix Potter, solves a series of grizzly crimes and transforms them into charming allegories starring cuddly anthropomorphic ducks, chicks, bunnies and frogs. The True Tale of the Floppsy Bunnies and Mrs. Tittlemouse, for example, recounts the kidnapping of Benjamin Bunny’s six daughters by a white slavery ring. The True Tale of Samuel Whiskers or The Roly-Poly Pudding covers in succulent detail the career of Jeffrey Daumer’s great-grandfather. Other titles and topics: The True Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck (dominatrix accidentally drowns a client); My Little Book About the Real Squirrel Nutkin (sordid life of rent boys); The True Story of a Fierce Bad Rabbit (a powerful new hallucinogen hits the mean streets); and, of course, The Shocking True Tale of Peter Rabbit (super-pimp Mr. McGregor defends his patch when Peter comes looking for a “Ho”).
4. Hard-Boiled Female P.I.
Antimony Fargo, named androgynously for a mineral and a western city, is as cool and tough under pressure as such male counterparts as Tulsa Schist (same naming device) and as hot and tender under Tulsa’s male parts as … well, nevermind. She only dresses up when she wants to pass as a hooker and can’t cook anything that doesn’t come in its own microwaveable container. But she’s extremely smart, really. In her first case, Which Nut Do You Want Me to Shoot Off First?, she goes undercover at Monica’s Mystique as a sensitivity-training counselor for lingerie executives accused of sexual harassment.
5. Innovative Entry in the Mystery Field
The Virtual Detective is a software program that solves the most complicated crimes in a nanosecond once its programmers have converted all pertinent case documents to Boolean logic statements. Then it returns to its on-going affair with the central database of the DMV. The first novel, Killed But Not Dead, is scheduled for publication in 2012, once the MIT supercomputer completes the conversion process.
Contact Liv Rand-Unynz, Editor, “The Decomposing Room Press,” for additional writer's guidelines. If you can’t find our address, you don’t have what it takes to write a mystery.
By Mo Walsh, Corpserespondent
Minimally competent hacks are wanted to write for our new niche detective titles on a work-for-hire basis. We provide clever character names, contradictory plot points and impossible deadlines. You do the rest.
1. The Amateur Detective
Harmon Beasley is a Garbage Man and proud of it. The castoffs and leftovers he collects are windows to the lives of the people on his route. Each story will focus on a provocative piece of rubbish that sends Harmon on a search for answers, aided by his lover, Constance Cabot-Whyte, PhD, an entomologist, and her teen-age triplets: Roach, Aphid and Mary. In the debut novel, The Aquamarine Ashbin at #1A, Harmon discovers thirteen discarded left shoes. The series continues with The Beige Barrel at #2B and The Crimson Carton at #3C.
2. The Specialist/Multi-Cultural Detective
Rostam “The Rug Man” Rudagi is the world’s foremost expert on carpet fibers. As a young boy, he escaped from his native Iran by hiding inside a shipment of cheap, mass-produced carpets being smuggled out to Arab bazaars for sale to gullible American tourists. Obsessed with carpets ever since, Rostam has earned several obscure advanced degrees in textile engineering and works six stories underground in a secret FBI laboratory. There he analyzes carpet fibers associated with crimes and can determine not only the fiber content and color, but also manufacturer and dye lot; degree and content of soiling; cleaning products used and whether they were purchased on sale; how many days since last vacuuming and type of machine used; area rug or wall-to-wall; species, breed and diet of pet that made stains; and weight of the person who last walked on it. In his first case, Persian Carpets Actually Come from Turkey, he helps foil the perfect murder by matching the victim’s bathroom mat to fibers coughed up in hair balls by the suspect’s cat.
3. The Historical/Literary Figure Detective
Beloved children’s author, Beatrix Potter, solves a series of grizzly crimes and transforms them into charming allegories starring cuddly anthropomorphic ducks, chicks, bunnies and frogs. The True Tale of the Floppsy Bunnies and Mrs. Tittlemouse, for example, recounts the kidnapping of Benjamin Bunny’s six daughters by a white slavery ring. The True Tale of Samuel Whiskers or The Roly-Poly Pudding covers in succulent detail the career of Jeffrey Daumer’s great-grandfather. Other titles and topics: The True Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck (dominatrix accidentally drowns a client); My Little Book About the Real Squirrel Nutkin (sordid life of rent boys); The True Story of a Fierce Bad Rabbit (a powerful new hallucinogen hits the mean streets); and, of course, The Shocking True Tale of Peter Rabbit (super-pimp Mr. McGregor defends his patch when Peter comes looking for a “Ho”).
4. Hard-Boiled Female P.I.
Antimony Fargo, named androgynously for a mineral and a western city, is as cool and tough under pressure as such male counterparts as Tulsa Schist (same naming device) and as hot and tender under Tulsa’s male parts as … well, nevermind. She only dresses up when she wants to pass as a hooker and can’t cook anything that doesn’t come in its own microwaveable container. But she’s extremely smart, really. In her first case, Which Nut Do You Want Me to Shoot Off First?, she goes undercover at Monica’s Mystique as a sensitivity-training counselor for lingerie executives accused of sexual harassment.
5. Innovative Entry in the Mystery Field
The Virtual Detective is a software program that solves the most complicated crimes in a nanosecond once its programmers have converted all pertinent case documents to Boolean logic statements. Then it returns to its on-going affair with the central database of the DMV. The first novel, Killed But Not Dead, is scheduled for publication in 2012, once the MIT supercomputer completes the conversion process.
Contact Liv Rand-Unynz, Editor, “The Decomposing Room Press,” for additional writer's guidelines. If you can’t find our address, you don’t have what it takes to write a mystery.
Labels: detectives, humor, mystery
posted by AliasMo | 11:04 AM
|
5 comments
