Halloween Treat:"Interview with a Peevish Vampire"
By Mo Walsh
Well, that does it! I’ve been brushed off by Anne Rice AGAIN in favor of some slick interview with the latest Vamp with a Gimmick. You know the sort of thing: biker vamps, Miss Transylvania, the secret Kennedy vampire, CIA vampire recruits. What chance does an ordinary guy like me, who just happens to be a vampire, have against the militant Vamp Pride types? I think I’ll call myself the Undead Chef or maybe Herb, the Hemoglobin Gourmet.
You know, I’d still have my cable cooking show in Columbus if I hadn’t been outed by some Fanged Crusader. So what if I don’t actually eat what I cook anymore? I’m not ashamed. It’s just one of those things about me my mother doesn’t need to know. But try telling that to Bon Appetit! They wouldn’t even consider an article on La cuisines des morts . Even The Buckeye Barbecuer turned me down.
Don’t go! I didn’t mean to impugn you or your fine publication… What was it again? Succulent! Right. Very, uh, hmm… I’m not looking at your neck. Really, I just want to do the interview. Help yourself to the hors d’oeuvres. Where were we? La cuisine des morts! My inspiration, and I don’t care what anybody says. Obvious, hah! Not one of those precious Europeans or that Creole crowd that hangs around LeStat thought of it. But I’m just a cable cook from Columbus. I wouldn’t know a gourmet from a gourmand from Gordo the talking pig…
La cuisine, right. The idea came to me soon after I became a vampire– How? I don’t think that’s relevant. The idea– Really, it’s not very interesting. La cuisine– Oh, all right! I got asked out on a date, okay? She was an assistant something or other on the night crew at the cable station. She said she could get me a better time slot and did I want to talk about it over dinner at my place. And she had this look in her eye… I thought it was Lust. Easy mistake, since I’d never seen that particular emotion directed at me before. Later I recognized it as the same look my poodle gives a bowl of horsemeat–she doesn’t find it particularly attractive, but she can’t wait to get her chops on it.
Why me? Well, that night’s show was “Cooking Herbal with Herb” and Dawn–scary name for a vampire, huh?– has a thing for herbs. Not Herbs, herbs. Plain blood is so bland, actually metallic, and I was expounding on the virtues of chervil, fennel, tarragon and shallots to jazz up any dish. So naturally, Dawn wondered if the flavors would…flow through. Unfortunately, she overdosed on the flavor of my Scarborough Faire flan. Drained me to the last drop, and I was undead before you could say “garnish and serve.”
And that leads directly into my idea for La cuisine des morts. More hors d’oeuvres? You’ve heard the expression, “You are what you eat”? From a vampire’s point of view, that is literally true. Vamps who used to like fast food hang around burger joints. Yuppie vamps love the Thai food crowd. And did you ever wonder what happens to vegetarians who turn vampire? We have our own category, “Hemo-Ovo-Lacto.” But the blood has to come from vegetarians.
This is where my inspiration comes in! La cuisine des morts is my personal collection of more than 500 recipes that any vampire can prepare with very little fuss and only thirteen hundred dollars in kitchen aids. Looks like just another cookbook? No, no, no, no, no. See here? At the end of each recipe? “Serve guest. Wait one hour. Taste.” Inspired!
What do mean, you don’t get it? Oh, really? Then why don’t I explain it after dinner. Would you like to scrub up? Clean some of that grime off your neck..tie And that ring around the collar…bone. There’s some nice-tasting, uh, nice-smelling soap in the bathroom, and a potato brush.
###
First appeared in the webzine, Gator Springs Gazette: “Blood Moustache” issue, October, 2002. The image, “The Vampire,” by Philip Burne-Jones, is in the public domain.
Well, that does it! I’ve been brushed off by Anne Rice AGAIN in favor of some slick interview with the latest Vamp with a Gimmick. You know the sort of thing: biker vamps, Miss Transylvania, the secret Kennedy vampire, CIA vampire recruits. What chance does an ordinary guy like me, who just happens to be a vampire, have against the militant Vamp Pride types? I think I’ll call myself the Undead Chef or maybe Herb, the Hemoglobin Gourmet.
You know, I’d still have my cable cooking show in Columbus if I hadn’t been outed by some Fanged Crusader. So what if I don’t actually eat what I cook anymore? I’m not ashamed. It’s just one of those things about me my mother doesn’t need to know. But try telling that to Bon Appetit! They wouldn’t even consider an article on La cuisines des morts . Even The Buckeye Barbecuer turned me down.
Don’t go! I didn’t mean to impugn you or your fine publication… What was it again? Succulent! Right. Very, uh, hmm… I’m not looking at your neck. Really, I just want to do the interview. Help yourself to the hors d’oeuvres. Where were we? La cuisine des morts! My inspiration, and I don’t care what anybody says. Obvious, hah! Not one of those precious Europeans or that Creole crowd that hangs around LeStat thought of it. But I’m just a cable cook from Columbus. I wouldn’t know a gourmet from a gourmand from Gordo the talking pig…
La cuisine, right. The idea came to me soon after I became a vampire– How? I don’t think that’s relevant. The idea– Really, it’s not very interesting. La cuisine– Oh, all right! I got asked out on a date, okay? She was an assistant something or other on the night crew at the cable station. She said she could get me a better time slot and did I want to talk about it over dinner at my place. And she had this look in her eye… I thought it was Lust. Easy mistake, since I’d never seen that particular emotion directed at me before. Later I recognized it as the same look my poodle gives a bowl of horsemeat–she doesn’t find it particularly attractive, but she can’t wait to get her chops on it.
Why me? Well, that night’s show was “Cooking Herbal with Herb” and Dawn–scary name for a vampire, huh?– has a thing for herbs. Not Herbs, herbs. Plain blood is so bland, actually metallic, and I was expounding on the virtues of chervil, fennel, tarragon and shallots to jazz up any dish. So naturally, Dawn wondered if the flavors would…flow through. Unfortunately, she overdosed on the flavor of my Scarborough Faire flan. Drained me to the last drop, and I was undead before you could say “garnish and serve.”
And that leads directly into my idea for La cuisine des morts. More hors d’oeuvres? You’ve heard the expression, “You are what you eat”? From a vampire’s point of view, that is literally true. Vamps who used to like fast food hang around burger joints. Yuppie vamps love the Thai food crowd. And did you ever wonder what happens to vegetarians who turn vampire? We have our own category, “Hemo-Ovo-Lacto.” But the blood has to come from vegetarians.
This is where my inspiration comes in! La cuisine des morts is my personal collection of more than 500 recipes that any vampire can prepare with very little fuss and only thirteen hundred dollars in kitchen aids. Looks like just another cookbook? No, no, no, no, no. See here? At the end of each recipe? “Serve guest. Wait one hour. Taste.” Inspired!
What do mean, you don’t get it? Oh, really? Then why don’t I explain it after dinner. Would you like to scrub up? Clean some of that grime off your neck..tie And that ring around the collar…bone. There’s some nice-tasting, uh, nice-smelling soap in the bathroom, and a potato brush.
###
First appeared in the webzine, Gator Springs Gazette: “Blood Moustache” issue, October, 2002. The image, “The Vampire,” by Philip Burne-Jones, is in the public domain.
posted by AliasMo | 12:10 PM
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